a book "château sergo"

something is going on out there... but we hardly leave "ourselves".

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I have always been wondering how some-people some-times manage to live alone for a long period of time. And I have always avoided facing my loneliness since I am in Istanbul.
There are short flashbacks of retrospection I experience every day, which only I could call my manifestations of loneliness, suggesting me an idea of possibility to analyze myself - a kind of transference or "interpretation of (my) dreams". Why is it I try to avoid that state of mine? What is there so obscene that I am running from?
Explaining my "neat curtain complex" someone told me this is because of the longing for an order I'm lacking nowadays...
e.g. yesterday: boss comes from UK, something's missing in our communication, again too much cigs've been smoked, home, not my home, I don't have a home, Pilot needs a "baby", or has to be castrated, I have no strength left to fill the void between R., T. and myself, let it last, cooked ocras, then ate, then reading Zizek drinking wine, wine halved, wine've been drunk, I'm fine, smsing, no responses, continuing smsing, a response, N., I've been saved, from what, flashbacks, don't ask yourself, remember "the first rule of fight club is....";), okey, gotcha, go on, went on, late for the last metro train, it is 00:40 am, taxi?, no, walk is better, 2 beers, approaching, came, a dog, a disordered house, I hate disorder but still there was much more "hommy", talk, talk, beers've been drunk, beds, I'd prefer a bed, don't ask yourself, forget, close your eyes, please shut the fuck up, go on, sleep, sleep, sleep, nice, dreaming...................
morning.
my working place...
And I still wonder how some-people some-times manage to live alone for a long period of time.

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